Attraction: beyond a binary sex paradigm

magnet“I’m attracted to you” he says, as he looks deeply into my eyes with that tell-tale expression.

My heart sinks, disappointment fills me.

It’s not what you think. I actually find you quite intriguing. I am energized and happy in your presence. I like you!

But you just did THAT thing. You just limited the possibilities to one outcome. Sex.

I know it’s not your fault. In our dichotomous cultural conditioning, the moment we realize we have an affinity for someone, two souls coming together in resonance, we start to shape it, mould it, force it. And we do so in the only way we know how. We are taught that sex is the ultimate expression of this state of connectedness.

Do not make the mistake of assuming this is sex negative (though I recognize this is also part of our cultural conditioning that might be messing things up even more).

I hadn’t ruled sex out yet for you and I. Until you said that.

By using the “A” word, we just ruled out all the other possibilities. In my heart, it’s ruined. Now I want to create space from you. What about the friendship? The laughter? The intellectual? The dancing? The massive spectrum of ways in which people can engage with each other? What if we’re meant to heal the wounded child, or parent, in each other?

Please don’t force me into a corner. I want possibility with you, I want to practice flow with you, presence, innocent curiosity. And maybe even sex! But let’s start with the heart, and let the rest emerge in its natural due course.

“I have an affinity for you”. “I feel resonance with you”. “I love you”. “I feel excited to spend time with you”. “I enjoy adventuring with you”. There are so many ways we can express a state of connectedness and intrigue. Please give me this. Let me have this. With you. Let’s stretch our imaginations, tap in to the flow, and see just how many ways we can express love. I promise the sex will be so much better if we do.