Dear metamour: a white paper

Hello, new person. Thank you for taking a moment to visit me here, in what a I hope feels like a safe place for you to meet me.


Pen-and-Paper

First, I’d like for you to feel welcome here. I am so grateful that someone I love dearly has met someone that makes their heart beat a little lighter and faster. Or maybe someone who gives them butterflies. Perhaps it is more carnal than that, and that is wonderful also. Whether you are visiting for a few hours or a few years, I want you to know that I care about your happiness, your health, and your heart.

The other reason why I am writing to you is to help give you some insight into who I am and to give you some suggestions about how best to navigate me and my relationship with this person you have just met. I don’t know what your background is, or how much experience you have with non-monogamy. Please forgive me if it sounds like I am making assumptions that you do not have a lot of experience with poly, I am trying my best to be a clear communicator here, no matter what your history is.

I believe that love is abundant. I believe that we love more than one person because there is simply so much love that our cups overflow. I prefer approaching relationships from this perspective, as opposed to the older paradigm belief that we look elsewhere when our primary partner does not meet our needs. I believe that you are unique and special and wonderful, just like I am unique and special and wonderful. I hope you feel the same way, and that we can appreciate each other for the gifts and talents and attributes we each have.

I believe that it’s only weird if you make it weird. So please, say hello to me. Look me in the eyes and smile. Reach out to me to acknowledge me and to let me know that you care about me, that you’ve got my back. Be prepared to be vulnerable and authentic with me. Ask me something to show me you are curious and engaged. Ask me anything.

It takes time for me to warm up to some people. I am shy sometimes, and I am scared sometimes. You are probably smart, funny, beautiful, and talented. It sometimes takes me some courage to open up to you. Please don’t take it personally. Recognize there have been people in the past who haven’t really honored me and my relationship, and this has left me with some trust stuff when it comes to new people. Again, it honestly isn’t you, you’re lovely. I want you to be here, I really am grateful that you bring joy to someone I love so dearly.

If you aren’t sure how to navigate the situation, ask my partner, or ask me. It will go a long way even just to ask, because then I know you care about the pre-existing relationships and that your intention is to make things better for all of us.

If you aren’t sure whether you are non-monogomous, please be very clear and honest about your intentions. If you aren’t sure whether you can handle being kind to me or to my partner’s other partners, please be authentic and honest about your own fears, desires, and questions. I will do my best to hold space for you and to meet you where you are. We can learn together.

No matter how much experience we all have in relationships, we really are all just infants learning to walk together. I know we will all make mistakes. My request is that we all acknowledge each other, see each other, listen, and do our best to look after each others tender hearts.

Again, thank you for taking a moment to read this. It really means a lot to me to know that you are willing to take time¬†to consider me. I feel better already. You’re neat. ūüôā

 

 

Meet the in-loves

M45%2001-07-13The term “metamour” has never really¬†sat with me. While ‘amour’ makes me swoon, the ‘meta’ part (Greek for ‘after’ or ‘beyond’) leaves me feeling lifeless. It could be my science background: meta-analyses are often complex and frustrating to complete, or there isn’t enough information provided in the initial studies to undergo this statistical method. See, you’re asleep already. And ‘beyond love’? What does that mean, anyhow?

These special human beings that my loved ones adore. I want them to feel welcome, loved, and a sense of belonging. They are part of my family, afterall. Sort of.

I mean, I don’t always love them with the same enthusiasm or depth or commitment level that my partners do. In fact, sometimes I find it quite challenging to have them around. There are times I’d like alone time with my partners. Sometimes I’m working through my stuff, jealousy, fear, feeling¬†inadequate. And sometimes those not-so-nice feelings are triggered by metamours. I don’t always have the energy to be ‘on’ and make sure they are taken care of when in fact I’d rather be nourishing myself.

On the other hand, I am so grateful for these beings who provide so much joy to my partners. The beings who love to cook, or make crafts, or dance, or play music, or be intimate, in ways I can’t or don’t desire to, because we are all special and unique. These beings who bring out a more grounded version of my partners, more romantic version, more thoughtful version.

And of course they are the brightest mirrors who every day reflect back to me where I am on this spiritual path of loving without limits. What demons am I working with today? How full is my self-love reservoir? Are my communication skills as good as they could be? What can I do to make myself a better person today? Am I taking good care of myself, of my partner? There is no one who can present this so clearly to me as a metamour.

And yet, even though they are family, they are more like family by association than family by choice. They are more like my in-laws, the sisters and parents who visit at Christmas. The ones from whom I get to learn about what has shaped how my partners show up in the world Рhow they communicate, tease, laugh, argue, suffer.

It’s fun to watch how my partners take on little idiosyncrasies from new lovers, like a facial expression or a new phrase. It’s a delight to experience what they bring home to our kitchens and our beds. There will never be a time when we achieve stasis, because we will spend our lives learning and growing ¬†and evolving within this constellation of lovers.

Meet the in-loves. These are my metamours, my lovers’ lovers. They belong to my family on my partners’ side. I love them and am grateful for the gifts they bring, whether¬†bliss or¬†heartache. Ultimately it’s all just love.

Photo credit РPlieades / Seven Sisters