Can we please stop talking about sex drive as an identity?

20160929_223718These days we are moving beyond  the concept of traits, or labels. We see gender along a spectrum. We don’t have to identify as straight, gay, bisexual or pansexual: we can just like people when we like them. There are now so many different kinds of relationship styles, many of us prefer not having to choose which one we ‘are’.

So while we’re at it, I’d like to rant a little. Or perhaps confess.

I absolutely loathe talking about sex drive.

I hear so many people talk about sex drive as though it’s a ‘trait’ rather than a ‘state’.  Friends  tell me they have a really high libido, or that they are asexual, or demisexual.  And every time I find myself in the ‘sex drive’ talk, no matter what the context of the conversation, I cringe. I get triggered. I just can’t measure up, no matter what you say, or how you say it. If you ‘are’ your sex drive, then presumably you think that I also ‘am’ my sex drive. And that also means there are others like you. Which means you and all those other people have opinions about who people ‘are’ based on what you think about their ‘sex drive’. Well guess what? My sex drive isn’t a trait. And whether or not I happen to be aroused in this moment or that is none of your fucking business (unless of course, it is).

You see, I can’t win if I have to choose a single characteristic that defines my sexual desire, cravings, fantasies, fears, aversions, curiosities. It might please you if I say I have a high sex drive, but it will offend or repulse someone else, while others might think it means I will have sex with anyone, anywhere, anytime, anyhow, and still others will think I must be insecure or lonely that I am constantly seeking out physical intimacy.  If I say I have a low sex drive, you might equally make assumptions about my sexual skills, capabilities, worthiness, needs, loneliness, interests, enthusiasm, energy, health, and more. Demi-sexual? What the hell? Really? Do we really think that because someone has desire in certain select situations with select people that they deserve to be called a half-sex?

I know we are all collectively developing awareness of the risks that labels pose. Labels create stories. They create judgement. They separate ‘us’ from ‘them’.

I sometimes tap into my sexual woundedness and shame, and sometimes I am in my sexual power. Sometimes sex isn’t even in my consciousness. And all of those states are beautiful, authentic, precious. There are moments when I wish the whole world would fuck me, others where I just want one lover to feed me a single strawberry for eternity, and still others when I wish I didn’t even reside in a physical body. I want you to love me no matter where I am on the spectrum in this moment. I want you to appreciate the many facets of who I ‘am’ and how I show up in the world, and to recognize that no matter how well you know me, I just might be morphing before your very eyes. I need to know that I am enough, no matter where my sexual desire is right in this moment. Sexual desire is not who I am, it is something I feel. I promise I will do my very best to offer you the same.


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